Depression...

     It's high time I be honest with myself.  I've come to realize that I'm depressed.  At least, I feel like I'm depressed.  My husband can tell that something is definitely different about me.  In fact, he said just this morning that I seem to be really negative a lot lately.  Questioning his love for me, being extra needy.  If I do something wrong, I dwell on it for days and can think of a hundred reasons why what I did messed up AGAIN.  I have an absolutely horrible self esteem.  That I've known for awhile now.  And it's something that I am continuously working on.  It seems like I take one step forward and two steps back every single time. 


     I have suffered on and off from depression since I was in high school.  It actually came to a point where I was able to completely shut off any emotion whatsoever.  I had been doing that for so long, that I honestly did not know I was even doing it.  That is another thing that I'm working on as well.  I want to be able to feel happy, feel joy, feel excitement, feel pain.  Instead the only emotions I seem to be feeling as of late, are extreme sadness and irritability.  Which is totally not fair to my children or my husband. 


     I know a lot of it comes from the fact that we moved from a place that I loved with my whole heart.  Yes, it was really far away from my family, but what I lacked in family ties in Texas, my great and wonderful friends and extended family made up for.  I still talked to my parents everyday on the phone.  My kids were still able to see their grandparents at least once a week on Skype.  I thought moving back to Wisconsin, being closer to family was going to be good for us.  And it has been in some aspects.  I'm able to go and visit my parents and in-laws whenever I want.  But I am lacking the friendships.  It's been over a year since we have moved and I still have yet to meet anybody new.  I'm a stay at home mom, so I don't really get out to much to meet new people.  But, I've been applying to different places to get a part time job.  I would totally go full time, but with my husbands work schedule (third shift and travelling all week long), it would be impossible for me to get my kids to their extra curricular activities and appointments.  I don't believe that it's fair to my kids to not be able to go out for football, gymnastics, baseball, what have you, because our work schedules don't allow for it.  They shouldn't have to sacrifice their childhood because of our careers. 


     It's just difficult, moving every two years, trying to make new friends and new connections.  It's hard on a person.  And maybe this depression is because it's been such a long, treacherous winter.  I mean seriously, 50+ odd days of below zero temps and 70+ inches of snow?!?!?  A person can only take so much of that.  I need the fresh air, I need the sun shining on my face.  I need to be out in the yard with my kids gardening, playing tag, going for bike rides. 


     I need to feel better.  I need to feel like me again.  

Judgy McJudgerson

     This is going to be a total ranting post.  A ranting post mainly because I need to get this off of my chest, and also because maybe if I put it out there, and look at it on paper, (well screen), I will maybe try to figure out a way to not let this bother me so much...


     I know that everybody has family issues, and I love my family dearly!  The main issue I'm having is I cannot STAND how judgmental some of my extended family is!  I mean, I literally get anxiety the ONE time that we all get together every year because it's like they will look for anything negative in people.  And I know that this is because they need to feel better about themselves, but it's bad when I'm harping at my husband about what he's wearing, and if he has a spot of dirt on his hand!  I'm all over my kids to make sure they look their absolute best, you'd think we were on our way to church in our Sunday best the way I'm after them! 


     Now, anybody who knows me, knows that I'm not a judgmental person.  Not in the slightest.  I pretty much let my kids wear what they want in order to express themselves (obviously it has to be weather appropriate and age appropriate).  I never tell my husband that he's not wearing this or not wearing that.  I don't care if people are staring at my broken out face when we are out shopping or if every strand of hair is not in place.  But I'm totally different when it comes to that side of my family. 


     I don't want to be that way.  I don't want to look for the negative in every single person, ESPECIALLY the people I love the most.  I don't want to become so materialistic that that becomes all I look at in anybody I meet.  I want to stay me.  I want to accept anybody and everybody with open arms.  I want to form opinions on somebody after I learn their story.  And even then, I will still have a hard time not liking you and finding the absolute best in you. 


     Now I just need to figure out how to move past this.  How to learn to be myself in front of these people who are so unaccepting of anybody who doesn't fit into society's mold.  If I'm anything, I'm definitely not the mold that society has placed on people these days.  I'm weird, I'm awkward in front of groups of people.  I sing almost everything that comes out of my mouth.  I normally don't care what people think about me, and even though it takes a lot of time and effort to get to know me, I would definitely say that it's worth it! Ha!  I just need to be confident in who I am around this part of my family, and not let these things bother me.  Or just find a way to point it out to them because maybe they don't even realize that they are doing it?  Something to think about I guess...

A Southern Hold

Well, I have come to realize in the last couple of days how much I truly miss living in the south, living in Texas to be exact.  When I first moved there, I was a little weary because I have never lived anywhere outside of Wisconsin.  I was also a little nervous because I am really bad at meeting new people.  In fact, if it weren't for my husband, I wouldn't have met some people down there that I consider lifelong friends, even family.  I never wanted to leave the house because I get too nervous!

It didn't take long for us to meet our neighbors on our street.  Actually, it was less than a week and we had pretty much met everybody!  It's completely true what they say about "southern hospitality".  I have never lived anywhere, where people are so kind, caring, and welcoming.  I miss living on a street where we all looked out for each other.  My husband works out of town a lot, and my neighbors knew that so it was nothing for them to come and check on me if a storm was coming, or to grab something at the store for me if they were already going, or even watching my kids while I ran an errand.  I miss the cookouts we would have nearly every weekend, the adults cooking and enjoying each others company while the kids played outside. It's literally the type of street that you hope you can raise your kids.  I mean, there were some downfalls, as far as crimes (nothing too serious thank the lord!) But all in all, it was the ideal neighborhood. 

The thing I miss the most though, is the dear friends I met while I was there.  I still keep in touch with most of them, and hope to continue to stay in touch with them for a long, long time!  I miss having so much to do, all of the activities they had in the area for the kids, and all of the sports that our kids were able to be a part of.  If I were offered a chance to move back to the South, even if it was somewhere besides Texas, I honestly believe that I would take it.  I mean, I LOVE Wisconsin.  It's a beautiful state with a ton of wildlife and all sorts of things to do outside with the kids.  It doesn't get unbearably hot (I won't talk about the cold lol!), and our family is here.  But there is just something about the South that tugs on my heart.  I can't quite point to what it is exactly, but it definitely has a hold on the girl!

Being Grateful...

The past week I have really been thinking about different ways that I can show and teach my kids how to be grateful.  I think my biggest fear is having children that feel entitled to everything.  My husband and I are fortunate enough to be able to provide our children with nice things and most things that they want.  I've heard from numerous people that my children "want for nothing."  After hearing this (which, was fairly recently), it made me start thinking and really paying attention to how my children react when they get a gift.  And sadly to say, I've realized that they are starting to feel entitled to things.  For instance, whenever we go to a store, whether it's a gas station, a grocery store, or a department store, they seem to think that they should get something.  I know that my husband and I are to blame for that.  We are not perfect and we like to buy our kids things.  I mean, seriously, what parent doesn't?  With that being said though, things are going to change.  My children will no longer be getting something every single time we go to a store.  I want them to appreciate the things that they do get instead of playing with a toy that they BEGGED for for a week, and then watching it sit in a closet. 

Now don't get me wrong, my children do work for some of the things that they get.  They have daily chores that they are responsible for and they earn money for doing their chores.  My son saved up enough of his own money to be able to buy an iPod Touch.  I was VERY proud of him for that.  I want them to understand that you have to work for the things you want in life, whether it's something materialistic OR something emotionally gratifying. 

There is a family that I have become very close to within the past two years, and to be honest, I consider the mother of this family to be one of my best friends.  This is the most appreciating family that I have EVER met.  I have commented to her numerous times about how grateful they all are!  Even her and her husband, they thank each other for the littelst things that I wouldn't even think of thanking my husband for!  This family has had a MAJOR influence on me and the way I want my relationship with my husband and children to be, and how I want our family to function.  Their little girls are some of the most polite children I have ever come across and they are truly grateful for everything.  I understand that gratitude is not something you are born with and that it is something learned and taught (and if you do it right, something taught at a young age.)  I must say that this family is doing it right because all of her girls are under the age of 10.  It's unbelievable to see chldren that have that much gratitude at such a young age. 

I hope to be able to instill gratitude upond my children the same way she has with hers.  I am currently looking into ways to teach this to my children and I'm SO excited to take this journey with them.  Also, I want to thank my friend Ashley, for showing me how to be grateful for even the small things and having SUCH an impact on every aspect of my life.  You really don't know how much your friendship means to me!

Kickin' My Own Butt...

So I have recently come to realize that I kick my own ass every single day.  It's like I have my own worst critic in the back of my head everyday, constantly criticizing every parenting, relationship, and school decision I make.  Why don't you play with your kids more instead of doing homework?  Why don't you clean the house more instead of playing with the kids?  Why aren't you doing homework instead of getting to bed early?  Why aren't you getting more sleep instead of doing your homework?

 It's like a vicious cycle that I can't seem to quit.  Part of me thinks it would be easier if I just got a job outside of the home....which I want to do very bad because I want to start using the skills that I have developed and my college education.  Then, the other part of me wants to stay home with the kids while they are still young and impressionable so I know that they are having good morals instilled in them and they aren't spending more time with the babysitter than their own parents.  What makes it even more difficult is the fact that I'm at home by myself with the kids most times.  So not only do I have to play Mom (and where all the hats that come with that role), but I also have to play Dad during the week, and be a college student as well.

     Every night, after I give my sweet babies a kiss and hug and get them all snug in their beds, I think about all of the things I "should have" done with them instead of what I did do that day.  I tell myself that I could have done this better, or done that better, or this could have waited or that, because they are only little for so long. I question every decision I make, every single day.  As I'm sure most mothers do.  I just have a really hard time dealing with it at the moment.  I didn't know being a mom could make you feel so much guilt every single day. 

  I never thought that being a mother was going to be easy, but I definitely did NOT think it was going to be this hard either, especially being a stay at home mom.  Being a mother is the most difficult job there is on this beautiful earth of ours, but it is definitely the most rewarding.  My kids make me happier than I have ever been.  They make me smile and laugh every single day, and I love being able to see the world from their perspective.  I just want them to grow up with open minds and open hearts, and I want to know that the way my husband and I are raising them is the right way.  I know there is no answer to that, and I'm sure we are doing a great job.  I just need to learn to not question my decisions so much and trust in myself that I am doing the best I can do, and being the best mom and wife I know how to be. 

Laundry, Lizards, and Lifetime Fears

     Who knew you could have such crazy adventures doing laundry?!  I was going about my normal business, getting the clothes washed before the beginning of a regular week.  My husband needed his work uniforms washed and my children needed their school uniforms washed.  After everybody is tucked into bed, I'm still awake finishing up the laundry.

     I'm waiting for the last load in the dryer so I can fold it and put it away before I crash in bed for the night.  The dryer finishes and I, of course, open the door to start folding.  I noticed something fall out of the dryer, and I didn't really pay too much attention because I wanted to finish it and be done.  I fold the entire load, and that is when something catches my eye. 

     You know how when your dryer catches sometimes on clothes or on a dryer sheet and it leaves kind of a burnt mark on the piece of clothes or the dryer sheet?  Well, as I look down it looks like a piece of fabric that has been a little burnt in the dryer.  (Hey, I'm not claiming that my eyesight is the best, you can ask my optometrist if you want!)  Anyway, I see the object and bend down to pick it up.  It took me no more than 5 seconds to realize what I am holding in my hand is a dried (and I'm assuming washed) LIZARD!!!!  I immediately throw it down, jumping up and down in my laundry room screaming.  I run OUT of the laundry room and start scrubbing my hands obsessively and that's when I realized that I still had to get that disgusting little thing out of there! 

     I managed to work up enough courage to grab a plastic bag and pick up the lizard with that, running as fast as I can to the garbage can.  Anyway, the point of my story is that I am now terrified of doing laundry in  my own house and I can't help but think about how many other creepy crawly things are in here! 

Negative Nancy

     Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, you don't feel supported?  I do, more often than I should in my opinion.  I'm sort of a free-spirit who moves in all sorts of different directions.  Something catches my attention, and I'm off on a mad dash to do whatever it is until the next thing catches my attention.  If you know me well, then you know that I'm like that. 

     What's really frustrating to me is when people don't support me.  Especially those that mean the most to me.  Yeah, it's true; I may not stick with something for a long time...usually until I get bored with it, but it doesn't mean that you shouldn't support me while I am doing it. 

     I normally try to surround myself with people who make me happy, people who see the best in me and I in them.  Most days, I'm really good about it, but (and I'm sure everybody has them), I have those days where I feel like no matter what I do, it's not good enough, or that I am not good enough to be doing it. 

     What do you do to help yourself out of these little funks?  How do you explain to those that mean the most to you that all you want is their support and encourgement?