So I have recently come to realize that I kick my own ass every single day. It's like I have my own worst critic in the back of my head everyday, constantly criticizing every parenting, relationship, and school decision I make. Why don't you play with your kids more instead of doing homework? Why don't you clean the house more instead of playing with the kids? Why aren't you doing homework instead of getting to bed early? Why aren't you getting more sleep instead of doing your homework?
It's like a vicious cycle that I can't seem to quit. Part of me thinks it would be easier if I just got a job outside of the home....which I want to do very bad because I want to start using the skills that I have developed and my college education. Then, the other part of me wants to stay home with the kids while they are still young and impressionable so I know that they are having good morals instilled in them and they aren't spending more time with the babysitter than their own parents. What makes it even more difficult is the fact that I'm at home by myself with the kids most times. So not only do I have to play Mom (and where all the hats that come with that role), but I also have to play Dad during the week, and be a college student as well.
Every night, after I give my sweet babies a kiss and hug and get them all snug in their beds, I think about all of the things I "should have" done with them instead of what I did do that day. I tell myself that I could have done this better, or done that better, or this could have waited or that, because they are only little for so long. I question every decision I make, every single day. As I'm sure most mothers do. I just have a really hard time dealing with it at the moment. I didn't know being a mom could make you feel so much guilt every single day.
I never thought that being a mother was going to be easy, but I definitely did NOT think it was going to be this hard either, especially being a stay at home mom. Being a mother is the most difficult job there is on this beautiful earth of ours, but it is definitely the most rewarding. My kids make me happier than I have ever been. They make me smile and laugh every single day, and I love being able to see the world from their perspective. I just want them to grow up with open minds and open hearts, and I want to know that the way my husband and I are raising them is the right way. I know there is no answer to that, and I'm sure we are doing a great job. I just need to learn to not question my decisions so much and trust in myself that I am doing the best I can do, and being the best mom and wife I know how to be.
I was literally just writing a post almost exactly like this one. I feel your pain. It is so hard some days. I can say, you are a great Mom. You are too hard on yourself. Give yourself some credit. I know, it is easier said than done. Your kids are happy, healthy, loving kids. The places you feel like you lack, I can guarantee they do not see. Just breathe and know that you are doing good. We all have bad days, days that we wish so badly that we could redo and not yell at them, or be so quick to react to a situation. We all have days that we wish we had played more and done whatever else had our attention less. It is normal. I won't say you're normal, because you totally aren't lol, but you and I both know it's a great thing...and it's one of the things that makes you a great Mom. You give your kids love, space to learn to be individuals, compassion and so much more. When you start to question yourself just take a minute or two to watch them. See how they are and who they are becoming. Then, give yourself a pat on the back because YOU are their biggest contributor.
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