Depression...

     It's high time I be honest with myself.  I've come to realize that I'm depressed.  At least, I feel like I'm depressed.  My husband can tell that something is definitely different about me.  In fact, he said just this morning that I seem to be really negative a lot lately.  Questioning his love for me, being extra needy.  If I do something wrong, I dwell on it for days and can think of a hundred reasons why what I did messed up AGAIN.  I have an absolutely horrible self esteem.  That I've known for awhile now.  And it's something that I am continuously working on.  It seems like I take one step forward and two steps back every single time. 


     I have suffered on and off from depression since I was in high school.  It actually came to a point where I was able to completely shut off any emotion whatsoever.  I had been doing that for so long, that I honestly did not know I was even doing it.  That is another thing that I'm working on as well.  I want to be able to feel happy, feel joy, feel excitement, feel pain.  Instead the only emotions I seem to be feeling as of late, are extreme sadness and irritability.  Which is totally not fair to my children or my husband. 


     I know a lot of it comes from the fact that we moved from a place that I loved with my whole heart.  Yes, it was really far away from my family, but what I lacked in family ties in Texas, my great and wonderful friends and extended family made up for.  I still talked to my parents everyday on the phone.  My kids were still able to see their grandparents at least once a week on Skype.  I thought moving back to Wisconsin, being closer to family was going to be good for us.  And it has been in some aspects.  I'm able to go and visit my parents and in-laws whenever I want.  But I am lacking the friendships.  It's been over a year since we have moved and I still have yet to meet anybody new.  I'm a stay at home mom, so I don't really get out to much to meet new people.  But, I've been applying to different places to get a part time job.  I would totally go full time, but with my husbands work schedule (third shift and travelling all week long), it would be impossible for me to get my kids to their extra curricular activities and appointments.  I don't believe that it's fair to my kids to not be able to go out for football, gymnastics, baseball, what have you, because our work schedules don't allow for it.  They shouldn't have to sacrifice their childhood because of our careers. 


     It's just difficult, moving every two years, trying to make new friends and new connections.  It's hard on a person.  And maybe this depression is because it's been such a long, treacherous winter.  I mean seriously, 50+ odd days of below zero temps and 70+ inches of snow?!?!?  A person can only take so much of that.  I need the fresh air, I need the sun shining on my face.  I need to be out in the yard with my kids gardening, playing tag, going for bike rides. 


     I need to feel better.  I need to feel like me again.