Depression...

     It's high time I be honest with myself.  I've come to realize that I'm depressed.  At least, I feel like I'm depressed.  My husband can tell that something is definitely different about me.  In fact, he said just this morning that I seem to be really negative a lot lately.  Questioning his love for me, being extra needy.  If I do something wrong, I dwell on it for days and can think of a hundred reasons why what I did messed up AGAIN.  I have an absolutely horrible self esteem.  That I've known for awhile now.  And it's something that I am continuously working on.  It seems like I take one step forward and two steps back every single time. 


     I have suffered on and off from depression since I was in high school.  It actually came to a point where I was able to completely shut off any emotion whatsoever.  I had been doing that for so long, that I honestly did not know I was even doing it.  That is another thing that I'm working on as well.  I want to be able to feel happy, feel joy, feel excitement, feel pain.  Instead the only emotions I seem to be feeling as of late, are extreme sadness and irritability.  Which is totally not fair to my children or my husband. 


     I know a lot of it comes from the fact that we moved from a place that I loved with my whole heart.  Yes, it was really far away from my family, but what I lacked in family ties in Texas, my great and wonderful friends and extended family made up for.  I still talked to my parents everyday on the phone.  My kids were still able to see their grandparents at least once a week on Skype.  I thought moving back to Wisconsin, being closer to family was going to be good for us.  And it has been in some aspects.  I'm able to go and visit my parents and in-laws whenever I want.  But I am lacking the friendships.  It's been over a year since we have moved and I still have yet to meet anybody new.  I'm a stay at home mom, so I don't really get out to much to meet new people.  But, I've been applying to different places to get a part time job.  I would totally go full time, but with my husbands work schedule (third shift and travelling all week long), it would be impossible for me to get my kids to their extra curricular activities and appointments.  I don't believe that it's fair to my kids to not be able to go out for football, gymnastics, baseball, what have you, because our work schedules don't allow for it.  They shouldn't have to sacrifice their childhood because of our careers. 


     It's just difficult, moving every two years, trying to make new friends and new connections.  It's hard on a person.  And maybe this depression is because it's been such a long, treacherous winter.  I mean seriously, 50+ odd days of below zero temps and 70+ inches of snow?!?!?  A person can only take so much of that.  I need the fresh air, I need the sun shining on my face.  I need to be out in the yard with my kids gardening, playing tag, going for bike rides. 


     I need to feel better.  I need to feel like me again.  

Judgy McJudgerson

     This is going to be a total ranting post.  A ranting post mainly because I need to get this off of my chest, and also because maybe if I put it out there, and look at it on paper, (well screen), I will maybe try to figure out a way to not let this bother me so much...


     I know that everybody has family issues, and I love my family dearly!  The main issue I'm having is I cannot STAND how judgmental some of my extended family is!  I mean, I literally get anxiety the ONE time that we all get together every year because it's like they will look for anything negative in people.  And I know that this is because they need to feel better about themselves, but it's bad when I'm harping at my husband about what he's wearing, and if he has a spot of dirt on his hand!  I'm all over my kids to make sure they look their absolute best, you'd think we were on our way to church in our Sunday best the way I'm after them! 


     Now, anybody who knows me, knows that I'm not a judgmental person.  Not in the slightest.  I pretty much let my kids wear what they want in order to express themselves (obviously it has to be weather appropriate and age appropriate).  I never tell my husband that he's not wearing this or not wearing that.  I don't care if people are staring at my broken out face when we are out shopping or if every strand of hair is not in place.  But I'm totally different when it comes to that side of my family. 


     I don't want to be that way.  I don't want to look for the negative in every single person, ESPECIALLY the people I love the most.  I don't want to become so materialistic that that becomes all I look at in anybody I meet.  I want to stay me.  I want to accept anybody and everybody with open arms.  I want to form opinions on somebody after I learn their story.  And even then, I will still have a hard time not liking you and finding the absolute best in you. 


     Now I just need to figure out how to move past this.  How to learn to be myself in front of these people who are so unaccepting of anybody who doesn't fit into society's mold.  If I'm anything, I'm definitely not the mold that society has placed on people these days.  I'm weird, I'm awkward in front of groups of people.  I sing almost everything that comes out of my mouth.  I normally don't care what people think about me, and even though it takes a lot of time and effort to get to know me, I would definitely say that it's worth it! Ha!  I just need to be confident in who I am around this part of my family, and not let these things bother me.  Or just find a way to point it out to them because maybe they don't even realize that they are doing it?  Something to think about I guess...